The Voice Of Much MADNESS

Yes, I can beat you in arm wresting and I can pick you up but I am not strong I break with each step I take, trying to go further.  I shake feeling as if the ground is breaking right under me I cry as if there is no tomorrow I scream like I'm being killed in the worse way Yet, these mean nothing to you  Why? Because, I force myself to be strong with you. I must make myself strong for you because you need me, you all need me.  That is how it has always been, me forcing myself to be strong and you never seeing how weak I am I plan to keep it this way

I wish to be no more but not dead. I wish to stop moving but keep breathing. I can't explain what I mean nor can I show you but maybe I can write it out so here is my explanation: Nothing disappear into thin air no matter how much they/it tries and I know this. When I say I want to die, I say this because there is nothing else close to what I want. For this is what I want, I want to be no more but not forever. I want to be no more for a short while just to escape my own mind and body. I wish to disappear but to come back.  No matter how much I wish and pray, there is so way to disappear. There is only the inside and outside of the box, no third side.  I just want to be nothing, why can't I be nothing?!  Oh right, because there is no 'nothing' in this life. There is only life and death  Next time you ask " Do you want to die ?"  My answer will be yes because there is no other form of nothing

Most illnesses can be cured by medication or time. Now, I know the world is still working on curing some illnesses but for them, I wish the best. I, myself have no physical illness which I'm grateful for. I've seen how much others suffer due to said un-curable illness. However, there is no cure for the mind. There is no fixing an illness where you fight yourself nor will there ever be peace. Yes, there are medications but they don't fix the problem, only make it more livable. The medication is like if you gave someone stuck in the ocean air, yes it makes it where they live but they are still stuck in the water. One of the worse feelings in the world is to see your loved ones get hurt by something within you there is no fixing. After a while, you learn to live in the ocean but one day, you might get sick of the air.

It is built in our systems to fight back or to defend yourself from something and/or someone. The human body and brain try its best to fight to live and fight to protect yourself or others from harm. Its how most living things work, of course in different ways but it all comes down to protecting yourself or itself and/or others from harm. But what if the thing and/or person who is trying to harm you, is yourself? One side of your brain screaming one thing while the other another thing. Sometimes, it feels like you are fighting another you but you can't protect yourself. Yet, I understand it is just a illness in my mind and there is no 'other me' but it feels like it. It feels as if every day I fight myself to do normal things, to protect myself even though I cannot harm it. Let's say I do protect myself and I harm the thing that is attacking me. If I do this, it is harming myself and that is self-harm Let's say I have had enough and I kill it...Well, we al...

I wish I could explain the thoughts I have. All of the screaming thought I have on a daily basis, almost like clockwork. It is like my thoughts are slowly but surely trying to kill me, trying to take over and no matter how many times you tell me it will be okay, my thoughts stay.  My thoughts have no rhythm or pattern, they do as they please and say what they wish. Yes, you can distract me sometimes but even on good days, they still come and go as they please. I wish you could understand how hard it is for me to do normal things sometimes, how hard it is to exist let alone live. Sometimes, even I don't understand why but I do know no matter how hard you try, there is no running from your own mind. For I can not explain my thoughts but if you sit in a room by yourself with no heat and have a tape playing all the things you have or said wrong, you may understand a little more. One thing I know is there is no way you could last a day in my mind.