The Voice Of Much MADNESS

"Aww, stories about mental illnesses are so cute! The pair always seem to fall in love!" "How should I add more drama into this love story? Oh! Maybe one of them should be hidding a mental illness and then they get together!"      This has been written about many times but I'm gonna share how I feel about this because WHAT THE FUCK?! I've seen posts and stories of people adding depression or anxiety or self-harm  eating disorders. This is NOT OKAY!! You don't add a mental illness into a story to make it more romantic. If you add it into a story, there is nothing wrong with that but when you add it JUST to make it more cute and sweet that is crossing the line. Mental illness is NOT CUTE! Me, myself I have only delt with self-harm, depression, social anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts so I can't say my thoughts on that. But I can say, depression is not someone crying in the bathroom and then there secret love finds them and tells them everything is gonna...

I have a friend, they like to sit on my shoulder and sing to me. They like to laugh and joke and make people laugh. They always are willing to stop everything to help a person in need and do anything to make them better. My friend loves life and wants nothing more then to talk to people and make they happy. But... I have another friend. This one Also sits on my shoulder but shows up when I'm alone. It whispers thought and tells me things no one wants to ever head. It will start yelling and screaming anytime, even if I'm not alone. It makes me cry and want to scream myself with all of the things it tells me. It never wants to be awake and it does anything to never leave. It takes 'naps' that last 5 hours because it makes the pain stop. These 'friends' are the two sides of me, depression and the fake side. No matter how hard I try, most of the time I must fake it and live my life. I must cover up the depression and fake it so my family hurts less. The only p...

Yes sometimes I feel happy but no it never goes away. The times you see my happy and joyful it is because the pain and sadness is less, the rain has slowed. For a moment, I can breathe without my mind screaming and crying, telling me things that would drive anyone mad. For a moment I can smile without having to fake it and laugh without having to hold day a storm of tears that you will never see. Just because I'm smiling and I mean it, does not mean my mind is clean. I am not better nor have my demons faded, they have just stopped clawing at my hope and faith for a second. No, you can not make these moments happen because it fits your needs, because it makes you feel better. These moments happen anytime they wish but don't come when I need them too. These moments come and go as they please, never fixing the problem but covering it up. Due to this, yes I fake it. I smile and nod and laugh even though my head is screaming for this to end, for the pain and sorrow to subsi...

White is the color of light and freedom, beginning happiness to those who like in the light Black is the color of death and sorrow,  beginning pain and madness to those who live within. With all of the being that lives and feel living in either color, I live in either. I don't dance is the light all the time but yet I don't sit in the darkness all the time either. I don't feel free but I am not dead despite how I feel most hours. I believe there are three colors of being, white, black and gray. Gray is the between of prisoner and freedom, it is the space with people cross for only a few moments. People pass through gray when they feel pain and sorrow in order to reach black yet they must pass through gray again to reach white being happy and free again. Gray is the between of joy and despair. However, I can't seem to pass either live, not black nor white. Somedays I lean towards white while most days I lean into the blackness. It is as if I'm in betwee...

     I wish my mirror was broken then maybe I would have a reason to look dead inside, have a reason to look as if I have just came back from the dead.       I blink looking at myself in the mirror wishing it was someone else because all I see is a broken person with scars of sorrow written in her skin. My eyes full with tears as I stare back at myself, wondering how I got here. Did I do something? Was I always meant to be broken ?       I press my hand on the mirror hoping to become on with the mirror, to never see the light of day again but all this does is make my skin bleed.       Now, My mirror is broken but I still look the same. A tear falls as I look in the mirror once again to see my eyes still dead and my soul gone just like a bird with no song left to sing.  Now, this never happened because I won't even try to look in the mirror because I know it is me who is broken, the mirror just...

The world filled with flames and war. Angels and Demons fight for something both want, Freedom. Niether can win nor can they be set to freedom. Both chasing something that never existed. It was just a dream, an illusion, a figure of imagination. Because in this world, This is no prize to win and no whole story to be told. Only part of a story, never to be finished Because, The world filled with flames and war. Angels and Demons fight for something both want, Freedom. But that my friend, that unfinished story, Shall never be untold.

(TRIGGER WARNING!!! Read tittle)       In this post I will be listing some ways to deal with depression/self harm. Before I list the ways, keep in mind I'm not a therapist and not all of the coping mechanisms may work for you. Some of the ways I will be listing were taught to me by a therapist I saw a little while back and some are ways I have found on my own. This is just ways to help get though it, not fix it.            Ways to help with self/harm (may relieve the urge with no lasting mark) 1. Draw on your skin where you wish to cut. (Mark or pen) 2. Hold an ice cube in your hand and squeeze and tightly 3. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it. 4. Put your hand in ice cold water. The whole point of this list was ways to relieve the urge but have no lasting effect. If you wish to try and distract yourself from the urge, read the next list.        ...

You ask me " Why do you want to give up? You have a unfathomable amount of good things coming your way! You have a good life, you are loved and cared for. You have no reason to give up ". This is true but my demons can come up with an infinity number of reasons why I should. One thing I wish you would understand is that this does not mean I will give up! I'm still sane enough to choice if I live or die. I am still thankful enough to sleep some nights. Now, I know others have it worse then me, some can't deal with their demons. I did not choice to feel this way and knowing others have it worse, makes me fell worse. Until you have been a prisoner in your own mind, until you have listened to your demons yell and scream until you get use to the noise, you have nothing to say. Live in my hell on earth, then ask " Are you okay? ".                                         ...

When we were young, we were taught that demons and monsters are only in our minds, they can't hurt us because they are just shadows. We are told most things that live in the dark are all in our minds and are just our eyes being filled with fear, disforming realtiy. I wish this was true. The part about how demons live in our heads is true but they can hurt. They can make our arms and legs bleed with self-hate or make us stay awake some night remembering all of the things we have done right, how many we have hurt because of our demons. Demons infect out minds, making our minds and body work different; our demons tell us what to do and make us hate ourselfves more they how a cat hates a mouse. Some of us die just to stop the pain and kill our demons If you were ever to think " They don't rule you! " live in our mind because you would be crush under the pressure and scream for it to stop. The thing is, once you have demons, you can't kill them. You can o...

My soul is broken behind compare, this is true. Its cracked and scared with the pain and suffering I have went though in my life. It is twisted and bent out of shape, looking like a 2 tons was throw on glass then forgotten about; left to slowly fade from everyone mind.  My scars leak hope as I lay there, blank face like a bare wall in a abandon house. I've tried to fix myself and stop my soul from breaking but the pain is too much. You say I'm stronger then this but what if I'm not? What if I'm meant to always be broken, to always hide away in the dark with my demons? I might have once been strong enough to bare all of the wight that you and the rest throw at me because you were not strong enough. I've held that wight too long, I can't go on forever.  However, I know you won't take that as a answer because I'm just a shoulder for you to cry on when you need it but what about me! When do I get to show my cracks and bends?  Exactly, ...

I know you care and I know you hate to see me in so much pain, therefore I hide it. I hide the demons that live in the dark, I hide my tears behind a smile and a laugh. I know you deserve better then to see me in complete darkness, never wanting to see the light of day again; Praying to up above to end this pain and sorrow. Even if I wanted to show you, I don't know how or where to begin. There is no point in sharing because my demons are a part of me, just like my lungs and heart. If I were to tell you, how would you react? Maybe you would ask me for the hundredth time " Are you okay?"  or maybe you would tell me " You are better then to let this rule you!" . Why can't you understand, I can't be strong anymore! However, you won't know because I'm always hiding.

The rain fell, making the ground wet and pools of water fulled the floor; I tried to walk but I kept falling back, starting all over again. The rain seemed to fall for an eternity, never stopping; Some days more rain fall, making me cold and alone. After a while, I learned to live with the rain along with the cold and the feeling of always being alone. I began to become numb and stopped trying to fight the rain, letting it fall as it pleased.  I sat and pondered about the rain, wondering why it took my happiness away and fulled my life with sorrow. I know I should be happy and joyfull but How can I be when the pain is so painful? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: What does the rain mean to you? (Answer in the comments!❤️)

First of all, my names Brittney but people call me Sin. If you knew me, you would too think I'm mean and heartless. I live in America and I’m also a poet and that is what I'll be posting for the most part. Even though my name is Sin, I will be not putting my name anymore but instead, I will be putting [-The Voice of Much Madness]. If you would like to know why keep reading. Now, I won’t say my whole story but I will say this, for over a year now depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts have been taking over my brain. Know, I don’t want any of you to be thinking ‘stay strong’ or any of that shit; I AM okay. I have been told it all and I’m looking for any of that thank you. Now, I am starting this blog to talk about Mental Health but to also talk about things I feel strongly about. Why you may ask? I want to be heard! I want to let people know how I feel! I want to tell people its okay to tell how you feel. Some of my posts might be tips on depression/ anxiety while ...

     First of all, let me address something, what I mean by the title is sometimes when we are not feeling our best people are always trying to fix us. Why is “not okay” not okay? Now, as a teen who has struggle depression, anxiety, and all that fun stuff I can say it makes most days a shit storm in your mind. Some days you can’t even remember what a good day felt like. A day where you can just breath and laugh at stupid things; however this is not what we are talking about today as you already know.        In this world when you sometimes look at the sky and want to die or when you can’t breathe because you have to pay for something, that means you are ‘mentally ill’ which is fine. I know sometimes, I freeze or just won’t go to the store because I will have to pay for something. It is an illness in your brain but that’s not a bad thing, there are millions like you, like me. After you live with it for a while, you learn what a bad day ...